D is for Depression

I’ve been trying to keep this blog happy and funny. I don’t want it to be all about my feelings and things that happen that suck.

Fact is, I have not been diagnosed as depressed, but I’ve always leaned in that direction. I’m not making light of it, I’m just saying that in every life there is happiness, sadness, and anxiety. Not everyone has a chemical imbalance.

It used to be that no one wanted to admit to/talk about any psychological issues. It had such a stigma attached to it. Now that the stigma is removed, too many people want to “have something” and most doctors are willing to give it to them, whether they go through a diagnosis or not.

Most of the women in my family are being treated for anxiety, and have been for a very long time. Throughout my formative years, in fact, so it has been about 25 or more years. So, me being me, I have to go the other way, right?

I don’t think that is it, though. And I’m not trying to be funny, or make light of it.

Even as a child, I was a bit… Eeyore (from Winnie the Pooh). A little bit… Linus (from The Peanuts). I was a happy kid, with a great childhood, but I was sort of mature beyond my years, and a little curmudgeonly even as a little girl.  Also, I’m a very introverted person, naturally. As a kid, I would really only speak to my family and my best friends. The notes on my report cards always included a bit of concern on the teacher’s behalf that I was just so quiet. Not a scary quiet, not a miserable quiet. I was content and smiling, just not outgoing or particularly childlike. Seeing no emotional issues, or a bad home life, they were willing (in the early 80’s) to just let it go at that, and not make a big deal out of any concerns about social development, especially if the child was an ‘A’ student and didn’t have trouble learning.

I’ve kept these aspects of my personality well into adulthood. I’m still introverted, I still don’t like big groups, I’m too sarcastic and too realistic for a lot of people’s taste, and the thing is, I don’t care. I don’t have to like everyone I meet, I just have to be civil, be human, and be accepting of others. That’s it!

Just over six years ago, I lost our baby on Christmas Eve. We had just that very night told the family gathered (my immediate family already knew) that we were expecting, and spirits were high over dinner and into the opening of gifts. I was in the beginning of my 12th week, and then suddenly, the ultrasound tech at the hospital was asking me “Are you sure you are pregnant?”. They are absolutely NOT allowed to say or ask anything of the sort. You take your pictures as well as possible even if you are questioning what you are seeing, and you attach them to the chart with your mouth closed. Merry Fricking Christmas to you too, lady. It was a very traumatic miscarriage, physically and emotionally. Later, I went to school to be a sonographer, based on this. More on that another time.

I spent the next year or so in a miserable fog. I don’t know how anyone dealt with me, but I’m so grateful that they did.

Last year, it happened again. Twice.

Now, I’m unemployed (and I really, really loved my last job), I turned 40, and I’m just home and miserable. I think however, that my depression is symptomatic of the circumstances. I don’t think I actually have a chemical imbalance that would require a diagnosis of clinical depression. I possibly, as I said, lean that way naturally, and when something like this immeasurable grief comes along, it just tunnels me down into it.

Anyway, these A to Z posts are supposed to be fairly brief and I’ve gone way beyond. Plus, I want to be public about this issue, and I want my readers to understand which direction I’m viewing the world from, but I don’t want to focus on it too much. I’ve already put my A to Z words down on paper and have decided that “L is for Loss”, but that is it so far. I may start another blog, or a page on this one, that focuses a little more on grief and coping, so that this may remain a fun page about “Mitten Life”.