D is for Depression

I’ve been trying to keep this blog happy and funny. I don’t want it to be all about my feelings and things that happen that suck.

Fact is, I have not been diagnosed as depressed, but I’ve always leaned in that direction. I’m not making light of it, I’m just saying that in every life there is happiness, sadness, and anxiety. Not everyone has a chemical imbalance.

It used to be that no one wanted to admit to/talk about any psychological issues. It had such a stigma attached to it. Now that the stigma is removed, too many people want to “have something” and most doctors are willing to give it to them, whether they go through a diagnosis or not.

Most of the women in my family are being treated for anxiety, and have been for a very long time. Throughout my formative years, in fact, so it has been about 25 or more years. So, me being me, I have to go the other way, right?

I don’t think that is it, though. And I’m not trying to be funny, or make light of it.

Even as a child, I was a bit… Eeyore (from Winnie the Pooh). A little bit… Linus (from The Peanuts). I was a happy kid, with a great childhood, but I was sort of mature beyond my years, and a little curmudgeonly even as a little girl.  Also, I’m a very introverted person, naturally. As a kid, I would really only speak to my family and my best friends. The notes on my report cards always included a bit of concern on the teacher’s behalf that I was just so quiet. Not a scary quiet, not a miserable quiet. I was content and smiling, just not outgoing or particularly childlike. Seeing no emotional issues, or a bad home life, they were willing (in the early 80’s) to just let it go at that, and not make a big deal out of any concerns about social development, especially if the child was an ‘A’ student and didn’t have trouble learning.

I’ve kept these aspects of my personality well into adulthood. I’m still introverted, I still don’t like big groups, I’m too sarcastic and too realistic for a lot of people’s taste, and the thing is, I don’t care. I don’t have to like everyone I meet, I just have to be civil, be human, and be accepting of others. That’s it!

Just over six years ago, I lost our baby on Christmas Eve. We had just that very night told the family gathered (my immediate family already knew) that we were expecting, and spirits were high over dinner and into the opening of gifts. I was in the beginning of my 12th week, and then suddenly, the ultrasound tech at the hospital was asking me “Are you sure you are pregnant?”. They are absolutely NOT allowed to say or ask anything of the sort. You take your pictures as well as possible even if you are questioning what you are seeing, and you attach them to the chart with your mouth closed. Merry Fricking Christmas to you too, lady. It was a very traumatic miscarriage, physically and emotionally. Later, I went to school to be a sonographer, based on this. More on that another time.

I spent the next year or so in a miserable fog. I don’t know how anyone dealt with me, but I’m so grateful that they did.

Last year, it happened again. Twice.

Now, I’m unemployed (and I really, really loved my last job), I turned 40, and I’m just home and miserable. I think however, that my depression is symptomatic of the circumstances. I don’t think I actually have a chemical imbalance that would require a diagnosis of clinical depression. I possibly, as I said, lean that way naturally, and when something like this immeasurable grief comes along, it just tunnels me down into it.

Anyway, these A to Z posts are supposed to be fairly brief and I’ve gone way beyond. Plus, I want to be public about this issue, and I want my readers to understand which direction I’m viewing the world from, but I don’t want to focus on it too much. I’ve already put my A to Z words down on paper and have decided that “L is for Loss”, but that is it so far. I may start another blog, or a page on this one, that focuses a little more on grief and coping, so that this may remain a fun page about “Mitten Life”.

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11 thoughts on “D is for Depression

  1. I pressed the button, like, but that is not an accurate response when someone is in pain and feeling sorrow for such huge losses. I am relieved for your sake that you let it out by writing it down. Depression is a complicated thing; personally I think I am similar. No chemical imbalance but life circumstances such as your miscarriages and loss of employment can lead to feeling very down and yes, depressed; not surprisingly so. I felt this way when I went through a divorce and soon after, lost my dad in an accident who had been my life support. The depression lasted but it did lift… with lots of time and talking it through. I wish you lots of support and caring as you struggle and survive these challenging times. Being open will help a lot and I see nothing wrong at all at having one blog where you share it all. This is who you are at the moment… the happy bits and the sad bits. Take care, Cheryl

    Like

    • Hey Cheryl, thanks for writing. I totally get what you mean about not wanting to press “like”… I’m that way about Facebook posts and blog posts myself. I’m so sorry to hear about your grief, that must have been really trying and I’m glad to see you came through it okay. Thanks for the advice, I may just do that.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for this very brave and honest post. Miscarriage may be the most misunderstood loss of all. “People” don’t think that it’s the same as losing a child, but that’s very misguided. My MIL miscarried between her 2 living sons and she talked about that baby until she passed in her 80’s. It’s a loss of a lifetime of “what would have been.”

    Like

    • Rosie,
      When people appreciate what we write and speak about it publicly, it means the world. I really understand about your mother-in-law. I feel the same. It’s like an imaginary friend speaking loudly in your ear. You know they are so very “there”, but others don’t.

      Like

  3. For what it’s worth, you shared this very eloquently. I feel like I’ve had low grade depression much of my life, but I brushed them off as “blue periods” because they never seemed serious enough to get help for. When I was pregnant last year, I had very severe prenatal depression and had to get on medication for it. I feel a lot better now, most of the time, but it still really hits home reading posts like this. Thinking of you!

    – Allison
    http://www.allisonwrites.com

    Like

    • Thank you Allison, I’m afraid it kind of went through the editing wringer, was brought down to half its size, and possibly didn’t fare too well, but I’m glad to hear the message was received. I understand the trepidation of seeking help, I feel the same. The help I desire has to come from someone that I feel is a) similar in personality to me, and b) has gone through circumstances like mine. I’m probably not giving therapists a fair shake here, but I can’t help how I think. The support I’ve received here is very uplifting! Thank you so very much for your reply.

      Like

  4. I’m so sorry for your losses. I can relate to so much of what you’ve written here about feelings of depression (and in your E post as well). I’ve never lost a pregnancy, but my husband and I struggled with infertility for years (we’re still infertile, but we have a daughter now), and the blogging community I found has been a life saver. You are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Daryl, Congratulations on your daughter, though I am sorry to hear of your struggles. It is just a shame that some people can try so hard and still fail at what should be the most natural thing ever. I’m already feeling the benefits of a blogging community, small as though mine is thus far. Small, supportive and happy! Love to everyone!

      Like

    • Daryl, Congratulations on your daughter, though I am sorry to hear of your struggles. It is just a shame that some people can try so hard and still fail at what should be the most natural thing ever. I’m already feeling the benefits of a blogging community, even in this short time! Love to everyone!

      Like

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